Come ease the pain thats in my heart...

Author's note: I was a bit hesitant to post this here as I feel it's quite a personal blog, but then I figured "what the hey" and here you are. I originally wrote it for GSB, the Green Day fan site I'm most active on.

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Okay, so I’m not one to be superstitious, but what I’m about to explain is really all I have to hold onto now in hope that my dream will one day come true.

So on another Green Day fan site I’m on, there’s this member and she’s been a fan for 15 years. I knew before she’s pretty much a huge fan and has had some run-ins with the band (in a good way); I messaged her for some advice as to whether my project is a good idea and if they’ll even get it through the system I’ll send it through. I’m currently working on a letter to Green Day and I might also be giving them a small wood carving; if it pulls off, I’ll post pictures, naturally.

Anyway, what I got back from her was nothing I could ever have imagined. She heard Basket Case in ’94 the rest is history. She’s spoken to Bill Schneider, Jason Chandler and John Roecker (all of whom speak to the band regularly) and gets a lot of info from a man in their UK management team and a person that works at the American embassy and deals with work visas for American artists. She claims it’s luck. She also informed me that her “next adventure” is a trip to Las Vegas to meet Mike's sister, cousins, and Billie's brother and sister. I couldn’t believe it, I was astonished. At the end she said “I can’t believe my own luck sometimes”. But is it luck, really? She does go to a hell of a lot of shows and is very active on Idiot Club and the fan site’s she’s on and knows all the mods for them (I guess it helps she’s unemployed with this, as I explained I’m a student and simply don’t have the time nor the money to follow them around on tour, as much as I’d love to.)

The reason why I’m writing Green Day a letter is because of one simple reason; I honestly don’t think I’m ever going to meet them. Ever. Call me a pessimist (because I very much am) but the chances are so slim, they seem light years away from me and I’d probably screw up and say something stupid anyway. So thats why I want to write them a letter so I have the time and am in the right mindset to say what I've wanted to tell them for years, how they got me through a health crisis and are everything I am today and continue to be. But last night, I had a dream, a very long one.

I was in town with my friend and walking past this hall/school/venue place we see a big long queue of people standing around and chatting. I approached a group and say “Excuse me, what’re you lining up for?” and an excited hyper girl replies “Billie Joe’s in there, we’re going to meet him!” and squealed with the rest of her friends. My jaw was on the floor. So we immediately joined the queue and waited until we got to the front to the entrance doors.

We walked inside and I saw Billie sitting on one of the chairs, looking around nervously. My heart sank. My friend and I take a seat and wait. Everyone is called up by name and sits next to him, talks, takes pictures and leaves on a high that will never cease to part. It felt more like an awful talk show than a Meet and Greet for fans; people were poking fun at every sentence that was said either by the fan or Billie and the whole crowd laughed along. I couldn’t stand it and left, went home and complained about how I didn’t get to meet him.

Presumably the next day I’m back in town, and there’s another M&G opportunity. I join a much smaller queue and get to a woman with a clipboard in no time. I ask her how much it is “40 pounds”. “40 pounds!?” My stomach felt like it had been kicked. “Oh no, I don’t have that!” I quickly get my phone out and try to ring Emma but its engaged. The woman softly says “It’s okay, you can pay after”.

I wobbily walk in, and there are very few people in the seating this time. Billie is still sat in the same seat as the previous day, but he looks happier than yesterday. I walk over to an older man who I ask if I have to sit down, and he tells me “Not yet.” I sit on the stage behind me with a pro-series digital camera, put my hand on the lens and zoom in on the fan who’s sitting and chatting with him and take a picture; you never know, I thought, the girl might be so caught up in the aura of meeting her idol that she may forget to capture the moment; a moment that will no doubt stay with her forever. They shake hands and smile and the girl leaves.

The announcer says my full name which echoes around the hall. My stomach and legs turn to mush. I walk across the floor where my footsteps echo and up and across to the seat next to Billie’s. He grins, I sit, we start to talk and my dream slowly fades as if to say “the rest is history”.

Now, like I said, I don’t go by dreams or superstition-y stuff at all, but perhaps this dream evokes the meaning that I have to be patient and wait for my dream to come true. Sure, it probably just came from my psyche of late events of talking and thinking about it, but you never know, eh? With the position I’m in, as I mentioned earlier, that’s all I have to hold onto right now.

Remember to learn to forget.

Okay, so I admit, I'd kind of abandoned this blog for various reasons I won't disclose, but I remembered that it even exsisted recentelly and had the urge to pick it up and write again.

So since my last blog 3 months ago, I'll update, cutting lots of long stories short. The main [and most important] one being that I managed to get Green Day tickets in the end. I'm too excited for words. I've also set myself the task/little project of writing them a letter; make of that what you will. The 02 states that they can deliver any letters or presents you want to give to the artists performing. I really hope they recieve it, like it and hopefully reply to me in one way or another; I get butterflies just thinking about it and I felt sick with anxiety when I first started writing it, but I'm getting into the flow of it now. It's probably one of the hardest things I've ever written, so I'm glad I have months in advance to do it! EDIT: After having part of our neighbouring tree cut down recentelly, I found a circular piece of strewn wood in our garder a while back and kept it as it looks cool. I thought of what I want to do; carve "CHRISTIAN + GLOARIA" into it, the two characters from 21st Century Breakdown. I might also carve it into the shape of a heart, too. If I ever finish it, I'll post it.

I finally finished my 6 exams..hurray! I get my results for them in August, so fingers crossed. So glad they're over with and I'm now on my break for summer which I'm loving so far, lots of birthday parties constantly happening :D I also finally tried the new Special Effects hair colour I was banging on about ages ago, and its fantastic, definately recommend it to anyone who regularly colours their hair crazy colours like I do :) For me, my Nuclear Red has lasted about 2 months, way better than Rusk SCREAM!

Being a avid gamers, my brother and I have set up our own broadcasting channel on justin.tv, where we play games from Mario Kart to Timesplitters to SSBB, so do check it out if you're interested. You can watch us at www.justin.tv/the2veggies

I'm also pretty stoked for August as I'm going on holiday to Ireland and will be touring round parts we havn't been to for a bit and then staying with our friends out there. I'll hopefully be taking my laptop for gaming and catching up with people and the like.

I don't know whether I'll keep writing consistently here, but if you've stayed since the beginning and havn't actually got bored senseless, well done you.

I wish today was Thursday.

Eek! If anyone's actually following this, I apologise for my MIA-ness..there's literally nothing really been going on to post about. So I saved boring you, really..hopefully. Apologies if you find today's blog boring! If you do, let me know on how I can improve, mmkay?

Okay, so this post is gonna be about recent things happening with some of my biggest passions and vices, and more about them if I've mentioned them already, which I think I have.

The reason being for the title, well, after 5 years, Green Day, my favourite band besides Trio, are coming back to the UK during the European 21st Century Breakdown tour. Tickets go on sale Friday morning at 10am, and my dad and brother will be on the ticket websites on the dot, desperately trying to get tickets. I know for a fact they're gonna go like hot cakes since it was enough of a struggle on the American Idiot tour! I saw Green Day for the first time back on June 19th 2005; it was my first ever gig and out of all the bands I've seen today, although I'm biased, it was the best. I've been dying to see them again ever since, and this is the chance, basically. So I'm mega excited yet nervous about it, hoping and praying we'll manage to get tickets. Finger's x'd.

Moreover, I believe I havn't yet mentioned the guy that I'm absolutely infatuated with. For various reasons [which if you really want to know, msn/comment me], when I write about him in this blog, I won't actually put his name. I havn't actually decided what alias to give him, but I feel he should be an integral part to this blog since he means so much to me [/cheesey]. It's not a good position to be in, and he's definately the wrong person to like since he's well out of my league, but I really can't help it. Honest. There's not alot to say about him at the moment, but I'm sure there will be sooner or later.

Onto more random personal stuff, I had my second injection which combats the chances of me getting cervical cancer. My arm's is so achey and numb, I have to use my left hand and arm for pretty much everything now, since even small movement of my right arm hurts :( I'm hoping it'll go faster than last time which lasted for about 2 days, eugh.

After getting sick of the hair colour I use to get my signature bright red constantly fading fast, [ I know it looks pink in the photo, but it looks different colours depending on whether its natural light, flash camera, etc. Hair colour afficianardos will know what I mean.] I did some research and found that people seemed to be raving about Special Effects. So cut a long story short, I ordered some. I'm pumped to use it to see if it's really as good as eveyone says it is. And it's 100% vegan. Cool, huh. So if I go vegan, I can use it in confidence and get awesome results :) I'll let you know how that goes.

I've got my exams coming up which I'm very nervous but determined about, long weekend this weekend - waay! And I think that's pretty much it. I don't think I've said it yet, but do excuse my shit writing style, I know it needs huge improvement. D:

Lazy days, crazy nights.

Yesterday I went up to the Viva! Vegetarian Show just a short walk away from Victoria Station in London. Myself, my dad & my brother are all vegetarian besides my mum who is quite the hardcore meat eater [she cooks - or rather stinks the house out - with tripe. Eugh.]. We heard about it from some of my dad's collegues who are vegetarian, too, and we didn't expect to run into them as it was in such a big place, but we did. After chatting with them for a bit, we start making our way round the stalls. There is an AMAZING array of vegetarian and vegan food, and some of our favourites are the Redwood products, Munchy Seeds [we're fans anyway but picked up some of the new stuff; Munchy Granola is niice] but hands-down, the Veggie World chinese food is simply incredible. The 'chicken', 'duck' [the guy tells us they get the duck-like texture from the stalks of mushrooms] and 'pork' tasted great and so authentic. We also try a vegetarian tex-mex bean dish with rice which we're planning on making ourselves tomorrow :] I pick up some cruelty-free black liquid eyeliner [I'm gradually making my cosmestics bag as animal-friendly as possible] and after going in midly hungry, we come out absolutely stuffed; not just our stomachs but ourselves, too, with brochers and recipe ideas, and I get myself a 'Proud to be Veggie' tshirt (:

I ring one of my best friends on the train home about her friends' party [I know her from one of my classes at college] we are going to tonight, but she tells me that apparently she is [as in the host] tired and not many people are going so we ooh and ahh for a bit and decide we won't go, so instead I invite her round for the evening which she agrees to. After a quick shop stop, we get home and I wait and wait and wait for her until she turns up at my door with her friend [who I'm good friends with too] saying that the host has texted her to say can she and I please come and sorry to piss us about. I bolt down a quick bowl of pasta and pesto [Mmmm..one of my favourite dishes] and I'm out the door armed with a bottle of wine. My dad very kindly drops us off [hes very easy-going about lifts and stuff] and we're in chatting to the host and trying to get her adorable Jack Russel to settle down. The others gradually arrive until there's about 8 of us crammed into her tiny bungalow.

As the evening goes on, my best friend manages to talk the hosts' best friend into coming too, so we walk up the road to go meet her, my best friend pretty drunk at this stage [she's quite a lightweight, bless her] and I am too, but not as bad. The night goes on and we chat and drink and eat some food here and there and then I'm suddently grabbed by the hosts' best friend [who I get on with very well] telling me that my best friend is really not okay. There was much worse other stuff happening in addition to what I'm going to put here, but she looked as white as a sheet, her eyes were loling and she threw up alot and wasn't able to say alot. My nurse-y health care-ness comes right out of me and I suddenly snap out of my drunken-ness and do everything I can for her, along with her friend. We change her into some fresh clothes, get her to bed & check up on her every 10 mins or so and thank god she was fine. I don't get to sleep til half 1am [and am woken frequently in the night by Louis, the Jack Russel, being like a ninja dog {look up ninja cat on YouTube and you'll get what I mean} being somwhere else on the bed everytime I wake up.. he even nuzzled under the covers and slept under there; I was scared of him suffocating D:]

All in all, a pretty crazy night.

Other than that, I'm back to college tomorrow after two weeks off which I spent mostly revising >< but it'll be worth it when I get round to my exams. Lets hope the app. 6 hours I did everyday pays off...

Resonating in the shape of things to come.

I went up to a Uni* way north today for their open day; I thought it would be quite useful but not spectacular. Well, I found it to be the complete opposite. I woke up at half five and laid in bed for a bit (yeah, I'm that sort of person) and decided to get up so we (being myself and my parents) could get off in good time as it's a 3 hour journey. After alot of driving around not being able to find the place (it could of been better sign-posted, to be honest) we get there..and do it in an amazing 2 hours. It's quite a small uni compared to, for example, my brother's Uni and various others I've been to, but it had a very homey and good atmosphere about it.

We were due to attend a lecture on BAs Media, but Occupational Therapy was on the agenda first so figured we may-aswell see what it's like. Well, well, well...the lecturer was a very good speaker, came across as incredibly honest, nice and on the ball, and the course not only provided a degree but actual experience; first year 6 weeks work experience, then second year 10 weeks work experience. I went to chat with her later and explained my medical and educational background (diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis at 12, subsequently missing months even terms off school, only gaining 4 and a half GCSEs and doing a BTEC course in Health and Social Care, etcetc) and bugger me (I know thats not proffessional for blog writing.) her area of interest is rheumatoid arthritis. I also stressed that I'm getting stressed with Maths as I'm re-taking it at GCSE level for around the fifth time and I couldn't believe what I heard next "Well" she said in a lower voice "to be honest with you, I shouldn't really say this, but if you don't get the Maths, don't feel as if you have to cross out Occupational Therapy, you know? Because at the end of the day, we want people who are creative and individual, and you really come across that way to me". She also asked when I'd be starting; "Oh, not until September 2010". "Hmm, it's a shame your not starting this year..".

I didn't realise until my dad pointed it out, but apparently all that she said completely evokes that she's really keen and interested in me, which is fantastic! A lecturer at a Uni interested in me? Shit. I never ever thought that would be in the equation, ever! Anyway, I'll stop boring you and sounding like this is all ego-driven (I don't want it to come across that way!), but really, today has just completely changed my mind set, got me back on track on my original health care job path that I'd be on and been passionate about from the start. It's also reminded me of what my brother once told me, being that there;s a Uni for everyone; I didn't really think it, but now I do; Uni doesn't seem out of reach anymore, and I think thats due to the lecturer putting across the feeling that, yeah, actually, work your socks off now and the worlds you're oyster as an OT. I've never been more motivated; I'm gonna get these A levels under my belt and get out there.

* for confidentiality and my own safety reasons, I won't be naming which Uni it is exactly I went to as there is a high chance I will be studying their in the future.

Give It Away

I just can't believe where the time has gone this year; I know it's a silly and quiet age-old thing to say. but it only seemed like yesterday my friends & family and I were dressed as superheros getting drunk and playing the traditional NYE quiz we all help to make :) So, whats new; well, college is going really well, I'm getting good reports and feedback from my subjects. I've signed up to drop Health and Social Care because I'm really just finding all the policies we have to learn all too much and I'm really not enjoying it, to be honest, but then again we recentelly went through a past paper in class and I found it alright, so maybe I should stick it out to A2 even though it's much harder than in AS..anyway, I'll see what grade I get later in the year and make a decision on that. I should also be getting a laptop in my exams as my teachers frequently mention that they simply cannot read my writing! I don't want my handwriting style (or lack of!) to get in the way of grades when I know the stuff, so it's for the best.

My brother started Uni in September and I found it really quite upsetting and hard to start with as we're like best friends as well as siblings, but I've gotten used to it and love his company more than ever when he's back or I stay down for the weekend. He's blessed to be in such a nice Uni, on a great course and living with a great bunch of people; if I ever go myself (I'm still not sure, the main fact being that I don't think I'm the right type for it and am currently in the process of looking round Unis), I hope my experience is similar to his.

The highlight of my year so far has got to be meeting my hero's Alkaline Trio for the second time (I first met them in Aug '08); despite my utter nervousness, I gave Matt a card for his birthday and vegan chocolate, D vegan chocolate and Dan regular chocolate. I got a hug from them all, it was really lovely and I'll never ever forget it and hopefully they won't forget me (hahah, how many fans do they meet!?). After every time I see and meet them I just love them more and more; I've been a fan for around 4 years and I just treasure the fact I've had the absoulte pleasure and indeed honour of meeting them twice.. TWICE. I remember when I first got into them and I constantly whined that seemingly everyone got to meet them whilst I didn't..should of joined BP! The reason why I couldn't? My mum thought it was just a stupid money-grabbing fanclub which gives you fuck all; if only I knew what it did offer so I could prove to her it was the complete opposite! Even if I had, everything would be different, wouldn't it? Because every decision and path you take changes the future completely, even the tiniest of things..huh. I've always found that idea so facinating. Anyway, enough philosophical shit! I was going to go out to the Chicago dates in April but sods law, the dates are just outside of my holiday and the days they are playing is when I'm back at college after easter break and is one of the most important weeks as it is pretty much on the eve of my AS level exams, so as silly as it sounds, I know the guys themselves would say to stay home as it is so important. I really hope I get to meet them again at a M&G in the future, it means so much <3 If anyone is wondering how exactly I get to go to these 'M&GS', i'm part of the official Alkaline Trio fanclub, aptly named Blood Pact. I actualy demand every Trio fan to join, you won't be disappointed!

Onto my other huge vice, Green Day's new album 21st Century Breakdown is out May 15th (BUY IT.) and I am so, so so excited. We've pretty much heard/had nothing since American Idiot 5 years ago aside from Foxboro Hot Tubs, so there's quite a flurry of buzz around them at the moment. I've already pre-ordered my copy and am due to get it four days before the release date, so hopefully HMV stick to their word! I can't wait for the tour to follow but am puzzled at where they will play..hm. I'm also a Green Day Street Team-er (music fanatics will probably have heard of it), where I basically promote the band as much as possibly and go up in rankings by doing missions and recieveing points for doing so. So I'm having alot of fun with that at the moment.

I'm pretty stoked for everyone's 18th's this year including my own, but I'm very anxious about it, too. I seem to analyse and think about it more than anyone else; it's more than being able to legally drink and buy drink, I'll officially be an adult, which I find quite daunting. Everyone tells me not to worry or think about it too much, but I am a real worrier so can't shake things off easily.

Anyway, this blog'll be used for my diary-esque ramblings on music, events in my life and more. Hope you enjoy the ride..